Following both the necessity for communities to have trust, and the steep decline in trust, in Unitarian Universalist religious communities, it has become much more common to begin creating a relational covenant or a set of communication ground-rules with the assumption of best intentions. (Relational covenants and communication ground-rules are not synonymous, even if they are frequently presented as such.) What the assumption of best intentions demands is trust (faith): that is, living into this fiercely demanding religious practices of seeking to understand one another, and of agreeing to disagree in love. One who disagrees with me is not necessarily against me. How hard it is to really live that – and how very freeing!
I’m openly gay. Statistically, some of my friends and relatives are not going to believe in marriage equality. (Over age 29, 40% with gay friend or relative oppose, under age 29, 23% - p. 61 same report above). But few of my friends or relatives have told me they don’t favor gay marriage. Perhaps, by writing this, more will feel like they can risk sharing that, and I’m not going to think they’re bad people or stop being friends or loving them. Someone can disagree with me without necessarily being against me. I didn’t come to this practice magically, and some days I find myself struggling with it, in part because a lot of what I hear and see deep around me cultivates deep divisiveness. “For me or against me,” “agree with me or you must be trying to kill me” are spiritually corroding rhetoric and hyperbole. In spiritual life, we are often presented with the easy way, and the other way, the way of faith (trust). That’s the way that calls me back to the fiercely demanding practice of these values I keep saying I believe (trust).
I’ve been in situations where I’ve worked very hard with the two practices inherent in assuming the best intentions, only to become aware that not all of us are practicing quite as hard, best intentions or not. Small talk on safe topics and beaming politely may be one cultural model of conveying best intentions, but they present a challenge for understanding, trusting, and disagreeing in love, because they do not offer the heart of trust: vulnerability. The difficulty with allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is that while painful effects may be experienced immediately, positive results may take more time.
I find comfort in the stories of both Elijah and Jesus when I’m suffering the painful side-effects of vulnerability. Elijah poops out, collapsing from exhaustion and fear and says “please, please, please do not make me go back into that dangerous situation, don’t make me go on.” And an angel shows up and says, “there, there, Elijah, there, there, hush and sleep now.” And the angel brings food and drink, and Elijah gets up and goes on and encounters something truly wonderful and miraculous (1 Kings 19). Same thing with Jesus, who keeps withdrawing after making himself terribly vulnerable, and keeps being called back through the trust (belief, faith) people place in him. Even dogs are allowed crumbs from the master’s table. (Mark 7:25-30) Who touched my cloak? (Mark 5:21-34) Why are you still so afraid? (Mark 4:35-40)

So I rest a while. I knit some. I laugh with the angels present. I pray. I dance in the moonlight. I sing. I go back and leave my sword and shield by the riverside. I take in these gifts of God's goodness, grace, and love, because practicing vulnerability is necessary to really practice assuming the best intentions.
When I find myself in the muddle of mistrust, I’m living in fear. To cross into the Promised Land, one needs great courage and conviction (Joshua, Judges). One has to work with one’s fear (Mark, Exodus). In the muddle of mistrust, I’m fearful of being punished for risking myself or I’m fearful of the other not reciprocating. I’m dealing with my lived history, and my heightened worries from the demons of perfectionism and belonging. Human beings are both social and dreaming animals, so ostracism from the group and missing living the highest ideals are sharp disincentives for many of us. And, yes, beloveds, there are people who will break your heart, steal your identity, and deny your reality. Been there. Lived that. But in my book, a society worth living in is one where trust in one’s neighbor is considerably higher than now (for who is not my neighbor?) The way I’d rather live – the way I name redemptive for it redeems me from the hell of cynicism, despair, and bitterness – this way calls me back to this rigorous religious practice of trust (faith, belief).
Cultivating trust can be beautiful, even if it is a fruit that takes some time to come into season. One of the reasons I love multifaith community action events is that when we’re cleaning up waterways or taking care of hungry people, we don’t need to believe alike to love alike. Trust is cultivated through such actions, where we can believe in the shared testimony of compassionate sweat and just caring to help us be a little more vulnerable with our neighbors. Trust is a tender plant, one that needs a lot of support, a lot of singing, a lot of sleeping alongside in our vulnerability, with our fears, with our dreams and into our promises. But oh, how sweet and wonderful to live in trust again.


